Triptofarlagar

I find myself lost again within a web of uncertainty, spun with the unforgiving thoughts of the future- my future, and the hopelessness of it all.




I remember I did once dream of a normal life. But now those thoughts are nothing more than fragments of a life forgotten. Pieces of memories left to their own demise in the dark corners of my mind. Now I find that my dreams are broken, splintered by the facts of my failings as a productive member of society.






Things are going meh lately. Mom has moved back in to the apartment since she separated from her husband. It's been stressful. She wants to change everything, and constantly nags about everything. I understand she is having a hard time, and that I should try and make her feel at home here, but she just makes me feel so uncomfortable here. I do hope things clear up for her soon for both of our sakes. I'm not sure how much more she can take.



Kai is sick. An allergic reaction to peppermint oil or something I guess. She has been very distant since returning from training. I'm not really sure how to deal with the situation. I have been giving her space because I don't want her to feel like I am demanding more of her time than she wants to give- but it has certainly changed a lot from how it was before. Not that we need to spend as much time together now as we did then- I understand that we spent a lot more time together than most friends- but she doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me at all... Meh. Not really sure how to deal with it.

I have yet to delete Michael off of facebook. I am not certain why. I have deleted him from every single other aspect of my life. For some reason I just haven't been able to remove the last connection- even though I realize that the relationship we had was very unhealthy and that he is an extremely manipulative person.
I wonder if I should just do it and get it over with. I guess I just don't want to cut ties and then lose touch if I ever do want to speak to him again.
But the thing is, should I go ahead and do that so I am not tempted to trust him? He is crazy, and certainly not a healthy person to keep in my life, but I still feel sorry for him. I still like him to some degree. Well, at least the parts of him that are like Maria. It's just too frustrating. I am not certain what to do. I wonder if my fear of being alone is keeping me from making good judgements and choices. It has in the past, I am sure not much has changed in the bit of time that has gone by.

Angelina messaged me and asked for my number the other day. After she had disappeared from the universe for awhile I figured that it would be nice to catch up. When she called we started talking like normal, but then she went all pre-written script on me and started talking about her job, and needing to practice her lines.
I felt really awkward. I agreed because I wasn't sure what else to do. I really just wanted someone to contact me just to catch up, not use me for their job. I set up an appointment regardless, and last minute shut off my phone before she could call. I felt pretty bad about it, but I wasn't sure how to handle things.
Later when I turned my phone back on I had received a text from her saying she had forgotten it and would have to reschedule. I didn't reply. I want to talk with her, but I hate the feeling of only being called when needed.


Davey has again offered for me to move to Denver and get a place with him. I tried telling him about needing surgery, not having hand controls in my car, not having money, etc, but he got a bit angry over it and said I was just making excuses.
I think the thing I worry about most is Davey just giving up on things, going back to drinking constantly, not finding work, and both of us ending up homeless. There is also the concern of me not being able to find a job that scares me. I sort of feel like I am letting him down though, and that he thinks it's personal. I really miss him, but I just think it would end terribly and I am not sure I am up for that.

Hoping to get some pain pills soon. Back hurts insanely.

Not sure what else to say. Gonna end this before it gets too long and emo. >.>