Uncertainty

I find myself in patterns of the past, uncertain what to do.
I wonder if it's just paranoia or if there is truth to my feelings?

I am uncertain of how I feel about Zeke, and even moreso, how I feel about Elliot.
Zeke is filled with the need to explore and learn and grow. He has been supportive, and interesting the entire time we've spoke. I know the feelings aren't mutual however, that I have for him. But for some reason, I still do feel hurt when I am ignored and turned away. At times I even question if I like him, but a conversation brings me back and I see the person that I care for. I don't mind being friends at all, and I am certain with time the feeling that I have will fade into the background and I will become a good friend once again. Until then my emotions might be out of sync, and my reactions might seem inappropriate. I do hope that it isn't bad enough to drive him away. If it is, it will be unfortunate but I won't press on. Boundaries are important to me.

Elliot... I did not think I had feelings for Elliot at all, until very recently. I'm still not certain that I do. Indeed I enjoy his company very much- and he makes me happy. But I don't believe that it is romantic what I feel. With asexuality it can be hard sometimes, to find that line between friend and crush. I am perplexed though, at why when I think more about it, I start to question it. Elliot is a good friend, but no more. I just wonder why the thoughts even entered my mind when suggested. He is happy in his current relationship as well, which means I really need to make sure I don't imply I like him and start any trouble. I don't want him to stop talking with me because of something so small. After all, I do consider him one of my best online friends- and certainly one of the most interesting.

Life other than that is just as stressful as always. I have two months until I am homeless. The time ticks by so quickly that I am struggling to find something to do. I need surgery, I need a job, I need a house. I need to maintain some sort of sanity. I feel quite alone, which is why I think that I am so easily affected by the words of those I care about. I need to figure out a plan. I can't have things falling apart so easily. I just wish I had someone telling me things will be okay, even if they won't. But I don't feel comfortable telling anyone about how I feel. I don't want to seem whiny, or like I just complain all the time.
I'm just genuinely scared. What will happen next?
Will I end up in a wheelchair begging for money and drinking my life away?
I once thought I would be something, but now I look and I just seem so broken. The pieces seem scattered, and reflect a whole person who likely would not be great anyway.
:/
sigh.